Why are celebrity divorces always reported with the same meaningless and inaccurate catchphrases? As if it weren’t bad enough to see constant references to ‘writs’ (whatever they are) and ‘restraining orders’ (actually, these exist but what is usually meant is non-molestation order – viz reports today about a certain DJ breaching what was probably a non-mol) in the press – as if that weren’t enough, today the evening freeby papers all report the ‘£25million’ divorce case in which Henry was accused of ‘unreasonable behaviour’ and that his wife was granted a ‘quickie divorce’.

Of course whilst there might be £25m in the pot there won’t be a ‘£25m record settlement’ as one rag put it (or I’ll eat my hat), maybe a £12.5m settlement or something less. And, anyone without knowledge of how divorce works of course is likely to assume that Henry has been guilty of some terrible conduct in order for his poor wife to be granted a ‘quickie’, something apparently only celebrity divorcees can obtain.

All that this tosh splashed all over the front page means is that a bog standard divorce petition has been presented to the court and that because both parties want to get the matter over and done with Henry has not contested the petition. In the absence of adultery one of them had to allege unreasonable behaviour and since its the Wife who often wants to get a move on with the finances its often her who ‘goes first’ with her petition for divorce to get the ball rolling. Thats all a quickie divorce is – one where you don’t fight hammer and tongs about who was the biggest idiot. It leaves you with energy to fight about the finances (or if you’re sensible energy to get on with your life once you’ve agreed them). It must be really irritating to be the ‘accused’ in these stupid reports when you’ve agreed for practical reasons to let the petition to proceed. 

So basically, the ‘story’ boils down to this: Thierry Henry and his wife have agreed to get divorced in the usual way. They have to sort out their finances, and we think he’s worth £25m but we have no idea what she’ll get because they haven’t got anywhere with that part of it yet.

The pronouncement of a Decree Nisi, which is what happened today, is such a non-event – we already knew they were getting divorced for goodness sake. Isn’t there enough other rubbish to report in the interlude whilst we’re waiting for some news on the financial side of it? Couldn’t we have something more interesting on the front page? (just a big picture of Thierry Henry without words would do for me, but perhaps that wouldn’t have the right appeal). AND, whilst I’m being petty – Claire Merry has NOT been granted a quickie divorce, she’s been granted a NISI. She won’t be divorced until she gets her Decree Absolute.