Shut Your Face(book)

Dear (Imaginary*) Client,

Please read, digest and act promptly upon this article in The Guardian which tells you how to appropriately protect your privacy on Facebook.

I reserve the right to sack you forthwith** should it appear that evidence of any of the following information has made its way to court as a result of your inability to understand the basic implications of using social networking:

  • You have slagged off, bitched about, or harassed your ex on Facebook (or Twitter, or whatever)
  • You have discussed your dispute about the kids on Facebook
  • You have published information relating to the court case about the kids on Facebook
  • You have sent messages to all your exes Facebook friends telling them what a b****** s/he is
  • You have secretly tried to make contact with the kids using Facebook
  • You have logged into your ex’s Facebook account and posted bogus information
  • You let the kids find out about your new boy/girlfriend by seeing the photos of the two of you canoodling which you posted on Facebook or because you changed your profile information to ‘engaged’
  • You have tried to ask the kids questions about what your ex is up to by instant messaging them on Facebook
  • You have conducted an argument via status update on Facebook
  • You have posted information on Facebook completely at odds with your evidence to the court that you are a pauper and live a modest lifestyle (to include pictures of new shiny boys toys, exotic holidays, lavish parties etc)
  • You have posted pictures of yourself on Facebook completely plastered or in a substance induced compromising position
  • You have joined the Facebook group ‘Ganja is great’ or similar
  • You have posted pictures of yourself in a location or with a person you have denied going to or spending time with
  • Your profile shows you as ‘in a relationship’ with that dodgy bloke that you agreed in court / with the social worker should not come into contact with the kids

For the avoidance of doubt I also reserve the right to charge an uplift on my usual fee in the event of either of the following scenarios arising:

  • You have allowed your ex directly or indirectly to gain access to information you ‘hope’ will remain private (by way of mutual friends or otherwise misunderstanding the privacy settings) and such failing results in the exposure of all parties, lawyers and judge having to listen to and experience the utter tedium that consists of you explaining pages and pages of banal status updates in cross examination simply to reach the very obvious conclusion that you are in fact an arse without an ounce of discretion, credibility, common sense or IT literacy
  • You have yourself gathered any of the above information about your ex and brought it to court on the morning of the hearing under the mistaken belief that anybody but you will be remotely interested.

Yours Sincerely,


* Whilst the client is imaginary the scenarios below are (sadly) not. I can report from first hand experience that Judges do not get Facebook, but they do get irritated by Facebook evidence and the whole court will most probably have lost the will to live before its over.

** I’m kidding. Ever heard of the cab rank rule?

3 thoughts on “Shut Your Face(book)

  1. My Dear ‘ Loo,

    I have nothing but respect for family lawyers; I really dont know how you manage to manage clients that really cant dont or wont see the perils of facebook when it comes to providing teeth for acrimonious parting.
    I wish I had a tenth of your patience and diplomacy – I think I’d be booting the clients out of chambers window!! (this would, of course ,mean absolutely no work whatsoever, but it would be a tremendously cathartic experience)

  2. You missed the option where “imaginary client” explains that a person or persons unknown must have constructed the entire Facebook site using their name, photos, personal details just to get them in trouble …

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.